Friday, January 24, 2014

Missed chances

Today I found out that a childhood friend went to hospice.  It tugged at my heart.  I've missed another opportunity to be a friend and to have a friend.  It's sad that life is slipping pass me while I wallow in self deprecation or self pity or whatever you want to call it.  I've let people down, I've cut off friendships and other relationships and I have no one to blame but myself.

Nearly 5 years ago I was happy to get dressed up, put on make-up, and style my hair.  I was happy to get up and go to work; I enjoyed my job.  I loved working for the University and I enjoyed the atmosphere.  I enjoyed taking classes and learning more and more. I enjoyed going out to shop or watch my grandkids play baseball or softball.  But all of that's changed now.   Tonight, I used the excuse that the weather is just too cold for me to get out simply because I didn't want to get dressed and style my hair.  It is extremely cold but I realized too late that I wanted to go.  I wouldn't have time to shower, dress and do all the girly things I once enjoyed doing for myself.  I cried because I've let yet another opportunity slip by.

I keep telling myself, I'll ask my high school friends over.  But I continue to find excuses; the carpet's too dirty, my furniture isn't good enough, or I'm too fat, I'll ask them after I loose some weight.  But I know in my heart, I'm not going to loose the weight anytime soon and I'm not going to get the carpet cleaned anytime soon.   So what is the real reason I don't ask them to visit?  It's selfishness.  Plain and simple I've become too selfish to share my time with others.  I'm ashamed to say it but I simply didn't want to go that extra step to be a good friend.  

Now here I sit 58 years old and feeling a bit lonely.  Sure I have family and they are important but I don't know if I have a true friend.  I don't know if I have one female in my life who considers me a true friend.  Is there one person out there who can call me anytime of the day or night to tell me her fears, her joys, her goals, her hopes and dreams?  Is there anyone out there who knows that she can depend on me to offer her comfort, prayer or support?  I think not.  But, I have no one to blame except myself.

Tonight as I reflect upon the sad news about my childhood friend and remember her kindness to me in younger years I hope I have the courage and strength to change my life.  I want to be a friend so I will have a friend. May this be the night my life changes, may this be the night I stop making excuses and stop being so selfish.  

Rest peacefully MKS

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